Grrrrrrrr is me!

GRRRRR is me!

If you read the Wikipedia page dedicated to bull dogs, you will understand why I consider myself a kindred spirit. Bulldogs are normally docile and happy to please. Although low to the ground, they can move quickly when the need arises. Occasionally, they can be willful and stubborn.

That’s me. No matter how troubled I am in my personal life, I try always to smile and spare others the misery loves company routine. I’m short but I can run – especially my mouth off. Get me started on topics dealing with women’s rights, and I’ll talk until your ears bleed. Injustice gnaws away at my insides and, like a bull dog, I’m ready to fight whenever the need arises.

Rarely am I stumped when formulating a battle plan. I’m good with words and my favorite weapon is to write insightful commentary that forces the reader to consider all sides to an issue. Violent crime… rape, in particular… is one of my favorite topics.

In 2007 my daughter was kidnapped from her apartment, brutally beaten and repeatedly raped. During the trial of her attacker, we were told by the prosecutor not to use the word rape in our testimony because it was too harsh and might sway the jury away from a conviction. Mind you, it was okay for the defense to say that my daughter was unjustly accusing their client of rape, but it wasn’t okay for my daughter to say she had been raped by him.

Standard procedure when speaking to survivors and their families after an attack is to use the term sexual assault because, again, rape sounds too harsh. Rape is harsh. Sugarcoating it isn’t going to change that fact. For some time now, I have been advocating for a term to replace sexual assault. My preference is Anatomy Specific Assault (ASA). To my ears, those three words perfectly describe what has taken place.

The only connection between rape and sex is that most rapes utilize both the male and female genitalia. However, like a gun or a knife or a baseball bat, in the context of rape, a penis is a weapon... nothing more. The continued use of terms that associate the crime with the sex act are an affront to survivors, who are left shivering in the shadows in shame.

As a society, if we cannot protect our women and children, we have failed a basic obligation. Accepting that truth, we must ask ourselves how we can fulfill that obligation if we continue to shame the very people who need our protection. In March, the Florida Legislature took definitive steps toward making our state the most “inhospitable” to rapists and pedophiles.  In the past, criminals and criminal defense attorneys had the upper hand. Now, fear is where it rightly deserves to be… in the heart of all predators. Power belongs to the survivors – if they have the courage to come forth and prosecute. Laws are only good if we use them.

After the last legislative session, State Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fort Walton Beach) said, "We know one certain fact - no one has ever raped… while sitting in a state prison. So, if we can keep folks in prison longer, we keep our state safer."

That’s true, but in order to put those “folks” in prison, survivors must feel confident stepping into the spotlight and reporting the crime. Until we better educate society – until we remove the stigma of shame associated with rape – women and men brutalized by this crime will remain silent.

A reporter once told me, quite emphatically I might add, that it isn’t the victim’s responsibility to de-stigmatize rape. Oh, yes, it is! No one can do it better because it isn’t until we personalize an issue that society recognizes its legitimacy. If we don’t give rape a name and a face, it becomes a crime that happens to someone else… someone nameless and faceless.

The next time you meet a survivor who is willing to speak publicly about his/her experience, please don’t lower your head in pity and whisper “I’m so sorry.” It’s okay to express sympathy, but do it while looking them in the eyes.  Better yet, say thank you for having the courage to speak out. Tell them that they are your hero… and mean it!

One last thing… STOP referring to rape as sexual assault. It’s not a sex crime. It’s a homicide – the death of something intrinsic in each survivor. Rapists kill the soul of their victims, effectively snuffing out trust. Freedom and independence disappear along with the dream of happy ever after. If that isn’t murder, I don’t know what is.